We began trying to start a family the “old fashioned way” around November of 2017. When we decided that we were ready to be parents, I ceremoniously threw away my birth control pills and invested in a basal thermometer so that I could better understand my cycle. There’s a certain thrill to knowing that any month could be the month that your life will change forever, but after a few months of build up and let down, it gets old pretty quick...and you begin to feel like a crazy person. The excitement quickly turned to anxiety when my period would show up month after month (often after peeing on a small fortune of pregnancy tests because I couldn’t just wait for my damn period). Everyone kept telling me the same thing, “Just relax, it’ll happen,” “Once you stop trying, that’s when it happens!” “You’re stressing too much, that’s why you’re not getting pregnant.” But let me tell you, the last thing you want to hear when you're not falling pregnant is that it’s your fault for stressing so much. As much as you may try to “let go and surrender” to the universe’s infinite wisdom, those thoughts creep in whenever there’s a dull moment. And feeling guilty about feeling your feelings is of no additional help either. So after trying for about 11 months, I decided to get myself checked out at the doctor. They started out with some blood work which all came back normal. Then they scheduled me for a transvaginal ultrasound which basically feels like an alien probe that allows you to see everything going on in your uterus. If that went well, they would do an HSG test.
It did not go well. Within seconds, the x-ray tech was astonished to find that I had a huge mass that they guessed to be an ovarian cyst. They estimated that it was about 15cm around. I was shocked. I had no idea that anything like that was going on inside of me. I thought for sure that everything was normal, and then suddenly everything changed. They got me in to see a doctor right away and he told me that I would need surgery as soon as we could schedule it in case it erupted or twisted. I felt so betrayed by my body. I’ve had Crohn’s Disease since I was a little kid, but I always felt like my reproductive system was solid. I've always had pretty predictable periods and nothing out of the ordinary had ever really happened in that neck of the woods aside from an abnormal pap about 10 years ago. And then suddenly, I was at risk of losing a whole ovary. They assured me that having only one ovary did not greatly affect my chances of conceiving and that once the surgery was finished, there shouldn’t be anything to worry about.
In the coming days, after telling my friends and family what was going on, I heard so many anecdotal stories about people they knew who had a cyst and/or ovary removed but then got pregnant the next month. Everyone was trying to make me feel better, but coming to terms with losing a piece of me was a mental struggle. But eventually, I accepted it and decided that losing one ovary probably wasn’t that big a deal.
Flash forward a month and half to my surgery day. We were there for 5 hours before they’re able to get me in for the operation which only furthered my anxiety and anticipation, but my parents and husband, Steven, were all there to support me which helped. I don’t remember much after they rolled me into the room, but as I groggily came to, I remember my doctor saying something along the lines of, “It wasn’t a cyst.... Fallopian Tubes.... You can still do IVF…” I must have thought I was dreaming or didn’t fully understand, because I remember contently agreeing before passing out again. When I woke up, it was to my family putting on their most reassuring faces. They told me that what they thought was a cyst was actually my inflamed Fallopian Tubes. They had become engorged and fused together in the center of my pelvis and there was a lot of scar tissue. All they could do was separate them and puzzle them back into place, but I was told I’d need another surgery to remove them completely. That was huge blow. Suddenly any chance I thought I had to conceive had been sucked out the window in one incomprehensible moment.
“IVF is your only option…” It rang in my head over and over for days. And for a while, I figured, “Well, this is it. This is how we’ll have to start our family.” For the months that followed, I assumed this would be our path, but I was never excited about it or motivated about the process. All I could think about was the medical aspect. All the additional stuff I’d have to put my body through (after yet another surgery and recovery period). And after all that time and emotional and financial investment, it’s not even guaranteed that it would work. I lost my excitement for having a child. I lost any will to progress in the process. Everything seemed so uncertain and unforgiving. So many of my friends and relatives were getting pregnant and having children in that year that it hurt to even go on Facebook most days. There were bump updates, birth updates, gender reveals, etc. and I felt more and more empty inside every day. I wondered if I even still wanted kids, because all that joy and excitement I once felt had totally vanished.
But then one day, I decided to watch a documentary about IVF as a way to prepare myself for potentially might come next. It was a hard watch. The couple tried and it failed IVF so many times, it was heart wrenching. But towards the end of the film, it featured one couple who decided to adopt a newborn baby and my heart cracked open. I started crying uncontrollably when I saw this family form out of adoption and it was so beautiful. I had never thought about adoption seriously, but in that moment it felt like the exact right thing to do to grow our family. Ever since that moment, I have never been more sure of the way that we will come to be parents. I’ve felt that sense of excitement and anticipation all over again in a completely new and novel way that I never thought possible. Knowing that it is just a matter of time—not if, but when—has given me that sense of calm that people kept urging me to feel when we were trying to conceive biologically. It’s truly a wonderful feeling when you know your baby is out there somewhere, you just haven’t met them yet. It’s just a little extra adventure!
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